"Loving you branded me a deviant"
Vanessa, a 15-year-old girl who is in a relationship with Jacob, a 42-year-old English teacher- finds herself falling in love with Jacob and slowly people start finding out about this forbidden relationship.
This dark story is not for everyone, truly. I felt uncomfortable flipping the pages, I was furious and in disbelief, because it cost me a lot to put myself in Vanessa's shoes. I mean the author absolutely considered every detail in this coming of age, alternating from 2000's to 2017 the setting, music, and events happening in those years also mentioned which dragged me even deeper into the story. The way the author carefully developed Vanessa's character and her family dynamics also support the idea of how her personality came about, distant and unaffectionate.
In short, Vanessa tries to romanticize a relationship that to the regular eye is seen as abuse and is forbidden but to her it never was. This took me a while to wrap my head around despite the multiple times Vanessa reiterates that Jacob Strane was her true love. My inner self wanted to be open-minded in regards to Vanessa's story, really, at some point, the pieces fit together, both characters dark, and aloof, but it becomes clear that she was more invested in it than Jacob. I felt like Jacob was just terrified that Vanessa will bring him down and end his freedom so he had to keep her on a close radar or at least know her next move. Jacob reassures that he has power in a low-key way that Vanessa isn't able to see it because again, a naïve 15-year-old shouldn't be experiencing an order's man sharing his desires with her.
I skipped the parts that described the sex scenes because I was already horrified with the relationship itself, why more. It is noticeable that when Vanessa is all grown up she is still struggling with the relationship he had when she was 15 years old by the way her house is always messy, drowns herself in alcohol, and has difficulty with other relationships, though I think the relationship issue is tied to her dark personality so she attracts what she is, dark. She seemed to be a high-functioning depressive person and grieving the loss of her dad also didn't help her situation. The trauma never left her despite ending the relationship long ago. In multiple occasions, Vanessa has out-of-body experiences when she is having sex with Jacob or when he is giving her oral sex, which leads me to think that she wasn't enjoying it therefore it can be labeled as unwanted and abusive.
I'm sure that others may judge this book because the story is disgusting and appalling but in my eyes, the author is so unique for creating this story that she very well insists that it is 100% fictional, which I might have a little tiny bit of doubts on that.
TW: Abuse, gaslighting, pedophilia, rape, victim shaming, grooming, manipulation, and more.
Rating: 5
Author: Kate Elizabeth Russell
Format: Paperback
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